You're Worthy Because You're You

2019 is feeling i know i wont be able to leave, but i also dont want to stay. The feeling of wanting to give up on it all, but knowing i wont be able to. The feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of false hope, the feeling of distrust, the feeling of pain, the feeling confusion, the feeling i cant control of being afraid, sad, mad, depressed.

Sedikit membuka memori perihal apa saja yang sudah terjadi pada mental health-ku sejauh ini. Ya, tahun lalu bahkan aku tidak menyangka bisa bertahan sejauh ini dan berada di titik ini. I'm smilling so wide, laughing till my stomatch aches but then i feel my heart drop, i dont even know what the hell just happened. I take off my mask when the day is over, i tears when everyone is sleep, anxiety creeping in right when i want to sleep. Ini terjadi hampir setiap hari di tahun 2019.

For as long as i can remember, i’ve come to have lacked a lot self esteem, self confidnence and self love. But aside from that, I’m here to declare that i’ve come to have a lot more self confidence, self love and self esteem to conquer the world and to make a life for myself as well as being my own person.

"If today is not your day, or youre not feeling it, then be it. not all days are the good ones, and today may be it, flowers dont just bloom without rainy days do they?"

Satu quotes yang selalu aku coba tanamkan dalam pikiranku di tahun ini. Banyak hal positif yang sudah aku lakukan dan coba aku lakukan di tahun ini dibandingkan tahun lalu. Selalu mencoba untuk mengurangi hal-hal negatif (pressure to myself, get carried away by bad currents, and other negative things).

I’ve come to the realization that i made more than enough wrong choices and decisions. One mistake was putting the key to my happiness in the wrong pockets. And many others which lead to some real mental health issues. But aside from that, along with the choices i made to fix myself and become better from being broken and damaged for so many years, has lead me to the person i am today.

Menstabilkan emosi ditengah banyak pressure memang bukan hal yang mudah. But life isnt just about overcoming pain and waiting/getting ready for the next one, its about making the best out of everything. Just because pain is bitch doesn't mean you can fight it. So lets accept, embrace, and grow in every step of our lives through every obstacle we face and make the best of every second of everyday!

Pesan yang ingin aku sampaikan untuk diriku sendiri, Feyza Syifa.

You may not be exactly where you want to be in my life. But thank you, thank you for being you so far. I know you're doing the best you can, things will get better.

For my brain, lately, you're filled with a lot of static and i keep trying to adjust the antenna but you're not coming through any clearer. I know you've got a lot going on and i know you're always at odds with my heart. Maybe i don't listen to you enough, so you're speaking a whole new language. Maybe i can only register heartbeat palpitations. Logic never made sense to me.

For my eyes, you've seen a lot of awful things and had to grow up way too fast, but you still manage to shine so bright.

For my ears, you can't pick and choose what you want to hear. I need to know these things.

For my teeth, stop biting my tongue every time i got the nerve to say something you're the most vicious thing about me.

For my mouth, you've a lot to say but you won't ever speak up. You're a boa constrictor and you're swallowing all my ideas whole.

For my heart, you're a control freak and an expert at making bad decisions. You've this habit of crawling out of my chest and vacationing at the base of my mouth.


Happy Mental Health Day!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Loved, Blessed, & Enough

Describing the fluctuations over the last 2 years in a word makes me think “Am I Allah’s favorite?”.There are a year that seemed like a thread strung loosely, close to its limit, more so of a nose around one's neck or a chair barely bearing its weight, as the year has progressed fairly aggressively; fast-paced and oddly ambiguous. A time where I was filled with too much sadness and disappointment. Pada akhirnya aku memilih untuk tetap mengalir meskipun terancam surut. Tapi itu adalah kesalahan terbesar yang pernah ada, karena aku mengalir dan larut pada keresahan yang tidak ada hilirnya. The pile of items isn’t something I can just throw away. It’s sometimes a stack of things that fights to remain silent so that they can be read and recalled again. Sometimes, people forget to mention that besides just understanding our feelings, we also have to understand that we’re living in a reality that we can’t control. Because the world and the people are just gonna keep crushing on me somet...
Read more

Frasa dan Rasa

These past few weeks have been such a hell of a ride and masking emotional pain. Instead of feeling what I really feel, I distract myself with a temporary sense of satisfaction in order to trick myself into giving the impression that everything is okay when in reality everything is not. I'm trying to distract myself by spending a lot of time with friends and family, but when I'm alone I feel lonely. Larut dalam keresahan yang tidak ada ujungnya. I always enveloped with emptiness in my room. Here’s the moment when I got so lost. I got so lost in my own battle. Aku berjalan dengan selalu mempertanyakan dan mevalidasi pikiran dan perasaanku, dan    konklusinya adalah we have complete rights to feel anything we choose, and we also have the right to believe that our feelings are validated. ‘Seandainya’ selalu menjadi kata favorit, tetapi realitas terus saja meledek. Aku benar-benar sedang merasakan fluktuasi. There are days where I wake up and my bones are full of light. There ar...
Read more

For All That It Destroys, It Creates

2022 sudah berlalu lebih dari 2 bulan, rasanya masih ada yang belum selesai sebelum aku merangkum apa saja yang terjadi di 2021, terlalu cepat rasanya aku melangkah dari tahun 2021. Banyak hal terjadi berurutan dan begitu cepat, tak terduga di tiap harinya, hampir tidak bisa bernafas,   exhausted . But anyway, sedikit mengulas apa yang aku pelajari di tahun 2021 mengenai dinamika setiap individu yang ternyata tidak semua yang baik itu baik dan tidak semua yang buruk itu buruk. Banyak cerita cinta hingga cita cita terukir. Awal 2021 aku belajar. Tidak semua orang hadir untuk selamanya, beberapa mungkin dipertemukan hanya untuk sementara. Tuhan pernah mempertemukanku dengan seseorang untuk mengajariku beberapa  messages  dan  purpose  tertentu. Tugasnya sudah selesai.  It's time for him to left . Terima kasih sudah hadir dalam proses pendewasaan!  God bless you . Sometimes love is goodbye, to grow we need to set each other free, some are destined to coll...
Read more